working on figuring it out...

I did make it to India and I am back home and ready to go again. I wasn’t ready to come home could have stayed longer. It’s just such a wonderful feeling to see God working and using me of all people to do his work. I hate taking in front of crowds but in India I didn’t really have problem once I did it a couple of times. I really enjoyed being able to share with people about how God changed by life about 20 years ago and can do the same for them. When you are sharing you have this connect with someone and you can see it in their face they are understanding what you are talking and want to be saved. There really aren’t words to describe the feeling but in at the end of sharing when they accept God has there one true God. You know why you came on the trip and suffered through 3 days of flying in seat you don’t fit into very well.

My biggest struggle before going was trying to figure out what to do with my life and trying to figure out God will which neither has been clear to me until this trip. One day I got paired with Julius, he had some really good advice and life lessons for me. One was about trying to figure out God will. He said that “God’s will is your will because you if are saved and trying to do God’s will then your will and desire will be the same.” He said quit trying to figure out God will and go do what will make you happy because that will be God’s will. I have to say that easier said than done. What makes me happy? What could I see myself doing for the rest of life? Where am I supposed to be? All good question but I don’t have an answer for them. I do know that God has called to me go telling the world about his wonderful love and free gift of eternal life. Before this trip I truly despised this question “if you could do(be) anything what would you do(be)?” I now have the answer I would go tell the world about God so they can have eternal life. I have a few things that stop me from being able to do that. The biggest is my student loans; I don’t think that I am ever going to get rid of them. The other is that I really want to get married and have a family in the states.

The one thing that I do know is that working in office in the states doing some meaningless job is not going to make me happy. My dream or will is that God would give me a family(husband and children) in the states that I get to take care of most of the time but than opportunity to go on Mission trip about 4 times a year. When it comes down to it the only things that matter in life is God, Family, friends, and sharing with people God’s free gift of eternal life. Basically I’ve figured out what I want to do with my life, I am just not sure how to make it happen.

i will go...

What to do when you hear God calling to some areas of your life but not others. I don’t have job so I am getting worried about how my school loans will get paid because I have enough for another month but after that I have no idea what to do with myself for a job.

I do know one thing that for sure is that God has given me a passion to Go share his love and amazing grace with people. The feeling when you know God is telling you that he wants you to go someplace but you can always come up with excuse not to go but recently I don’t have the excuse it more like Yes God I will go but I doesn’t have any way to fund the trip so you provide that and I will try to get over my fear that I am not good enough to share or know what to say because you will use me. I have grown so much with the help of God in my fear to share about you with people and being a good witness for you.

I can honestly say that I right know I feel the close I have ever been to God and can feel him talking and using my weakness but I still have no idea what I am going to do for a job so that I can pay the bills. I think the funniest thing about the whole thing is I have been do despite to get a new job that I quit my job so that I could move someplace else and know I have a chance and I doesn’t want it. I really like my life here and the people in my life. I doesn’t have that desire to live overseas then being able to go on mission trips but to come back home.

Something that keeps growing bigger in my life is the want to have a man to go through life together. I know this is going to sound really girly but I want to be in love with man that love and respect me. I would love to have someone to go through life with that I can talk and discuss things with. I would love to also have a family. When you see many family and friends around you that have been blessed with a wonderful significant other and our so happy it just something that I want for myself too.

Enough ranting I need to find a job but until that comes along I will be listening to what God tells me to do and I think that means going to India next month to share about God love and how it can change their lives. 

he still working on me...

I have quit my job and in a month I will be jobless and my original plan was to move Minnesota if I didn’t find something in Oklahoma. Well that has all changed because of God he trying to ground me here and I have no idea why. I always looking for a way to change something in my life, like move, different job, going any or everywhere. When I went to church camp as a sponsor this year, God told me that he has different plans for me. He wants me to stay in Oklahoma and work on some of my fears. I have a desire in my heart to actually do something with my life that will make a different in people’s life but I can’t figure out how to make that happen or what that is actually. I always felt stuck in Oklahoma and trying to get out. God has told me that I am making a different in the little things that I am do, like helping in the youth group, to living out my beliefs and faith at work which is hard sometime. The working world is something that you have to get use to for many different reason because you now can’t always choose the people that you around all day and when they beliefs our different, when you’re in school especially small Christian university your use to be around people that think and believe the same thing as you.


One of topic at camp was about being too comfortable in your life and I found that interesting because I am not comfort with my life I am always looking for change. I felt that God was telling me that I need to be comfort and stay in Oklahoma. I think that going to take some getting used to for many different reasons. I have always loved to travel and always making plans to go places. Some of them have not always worked out for me but ones that always do are going on mission trips. This is good and bad because I get to travel go to places that I wouldn’t have imaged going but it really scares me because it puts me out of my comfort zone in the fact that my reason for going is to tell people about Jesus. That something I struggle with sharing my faith. I know what I believe and why but it really difficult for me to share with others. I worry about saying the right thing and that it makes sense. Plus put me in front of group of people and that just the worse for me I get really nervous and feel like I just rambling. Last year when God told me to go to Romania on mission trip I tried to ignore him so I won’t have to go because it scared me so much having to share my faith, well God wouldn’t let it stop me and he made sure that I went. I am glad that I did because it was a learning experience for me plus draw me close to him with having to rely on God but the one thing that he taught me was I can share my faith and talk in front of people I might not like it that much but he can still use me. I also felt that at camp he was telling me he going to use my fears of speaking in front of crowds which is scary but when you are giving your life to Christ he going to use your insecurity for his good. God works all things for his good.

I am trying to trust God that, what I did was right thing quitting my job in all; I must admit that I might have jumped the gun a little in what he had planned next for me. He going to use this opportunity to get me a job that I am resolved is where he wants me to be at this point in my life and that he will continue helping me in not wanting to change everything.

bats...

My adventure for the day, last night around midnight I was woke by this noise in my room. When I finally was awake I thought it was just my dream that had woke me up and so I laid there listening I could hear something but I wasn’t sure what it was because it seem like it was something flying around and hitting things. I thought it was just my fan knocking paper off onto the floor. I couldn’t see anything. I just laid there awhile and finally went back to sleep. When I woke up the morning I was going to take my shower. I was getting ready to put conditioner in my hair and I picked up the bottle and behind it was this square looking black thing. I thought what did dad leave in the shower. Then I saw it wings go down, saw it was bat. I hurried and threw the conditioner back in place so the bat wouldn’t start flying around and tried to finish my shower real fast. Then I told dad that he needs to get the bat in the shower. We couldn’t decide it bats are like other animal and come back to the house if dad took it with him to work and let it go would it make it way back to our house. I also realized that what was flying around my room last night. I am pretty glad that it didn’t land on me I am not sure what I would have done. We end up putting it in a bag in the trash because dad didn’t want to kill it but we didn’t want it to come back, so maybe it will freeze to death in the cold weather. Not sure if that more humane or not

bored...

ever since i returned home and been back at work something hasn't been right. its just not the same and i think i finally figured it out. i am bored with my life and what i do. i don't really care for my job that much, it pays the bills. i do like the people i work with but its just not enough anymore. i need something else, i need to be making a different and actually do something with my life. if only i could figure out what that is. this is what i have the hardest time deciding what i want to do. i have gotten taste what it would be like to be a missionary which is something i have always wanted to do. its difficult but one you start telling people that God loves them and wants to have relationship with them it gets easier. when they truly understand what your saying its an amazing feeling. know i think this is something that i could actually do, well once my loans are payed off which will be awhile. i need a change in life something that makes we feel like i am making a different in peoples life and what better way to do that then share with them about Jesus Christ. if i could this oversea that would be wonderful.

Following God

The past couple of weeks I have been in Romania I have felt God speaking to me. I have never really felt it as much as I did well I was there. Usually when I can't decide on something I think God is there telling me which to choose and go with it. Going to Romania I knew that I was doing God's will and what he wanted me to go. That was an amazing feeling. After my trip to Jordan last year I heard that the church was going to go to Romania I thought I would love to go but I won't. It scared me to much. God didn't really want me to do into people home and tell them about Jesus. I couldn't do that. I am the type of person that I have you into my home and I will take care and show you God's love that way by my action. I never felt like I had way with words. So I made other plans on where I wanted to go. Then when that wasn't going to happen God said I wanted you to go to Romania why won't you listen to me. I said God if you get me the money then I will go. You really don't make deals with God because he always win. When in 2 weeks I had all the money that I need to go. I prepared myself to go. God an amazing God and he knows what you can handle and sometime you forget that. I was really worried because I thought I would have to do alot of speaking or preaching parts and I had no idea what I was suppose to say. Plus I didn't really know what I was suppose to tell people when we go into the homes. It started off rough week getting use to what to say but by the end of week I was really getting this and thought I can do this its not a big deal. To help me through the first couple of days God gave me the Verse from 1 Corinthians 2:4-5 "my message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of Spirits power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God's power." He also gave me Hagen who has done many of these type of trips to learn from and go with me into the villages. After the trip I had one of ladies that went with me ask did you feel like you were in the middle of God's hand with him taking care of you. Yes, that exactly how i felt. God had everything planned out since he told me about a year ago he wanted me to go, I just wouldn't listen. On our drive up to Iasi the city we would be working in I was put with a different person because the churches I was suppose to work with didn't have that many visit. Then they end up backing out because of new leadership in the church. The churches that I got put with had 150 visit schedule. They need more people to help then just one person. Plus the people I meet and got to work with all week was gift from God. God showed me things that I had been trying hide or not acknowledge for awhile. It felt so wonderful to be in his will and doing what he told me he wanted to do rather then running from it. I have waiting for awhile for things to change and figure out what my next step is going to be. I could feel God telling me just a little bit longer and I will show you what to do next. So I am waiting and willing to see were God is leading me.

what do you thinks make people ambitious? what makes people want to be known? like if you hear there name you automatically associate them with some big accomplishment that they have done in their life. they have a passion for something and then go out there and figure out how to become famous in that area. there are many different types of this like making a historical find, becoming a CEO of company, being the president, the mayor of big city, caring for the poor and many more examples of ambitious people.

people that are ambitious i tend to think are people that had hard childhood and are trying to make a better life. they work really hard and have goals to make a name for themselves and so something great. i realize they are not only people that accomplish great things but you have to have some event in your life that makes you want to accomplish something amazing.

i struggle with finding something that i am ambitious about. i have no idea what to do with myself sometime. i have passion for some things but i don’t how to make my mark on world. i don’t want to become famous or leader of company. i just want to have a nice life were i am able to travel and live a comfortable life. my only real passion is to travel and see other countries just to experience them. the only one that would benefit on that is me. it a rather selves passion, it’s not like i was to change the world. i just want to see it.

i have pretty easy life. i have don't have tons of money but i away have gotten what i want/need or made due. i have been able to do traveling in the US. sometime i wish i had ambition of something that i wanted to accomplish to make my name known.