my new passion...

i have been reading alot since i got home. my books recently have been about respect for yourself/finding meaning in life. which has included reading the feminine mystique which i found fascinating. my conclusion after reading many different books is you want what you can't/don't have. it has also made me what to start volunteering places with young girls. come the new year if i have decide to stay in tulsa will start volunteering somewhere or places. not sure what exactly i am looking into it. here's some quote that i really like from the books...

the only way for a woman, as for a man, to find herself, to know herself as a person, it by creative work of her own. there is no other way. but a job, any job, is not the answer-in fact, can be part of a trap. women who do not look for jobs equal to their actual capacity, who do not let themselves develop the lifetime interests and goals which require serious education and training, who take a job at 20 or 40 to "help out at home" or just to kill time, are walking almost as surely as the ones who stay inside the housewife trap, to a nonexistent future.

when society asks so little of women every women has to listen to her own inner voice to find her identity in the changing world. she must create, out of her own needs and abilities, a new life plan, fitting in the love and children, and home that has defined femininity in the past with the work toward a greater purpose that shapes the future.

only when woman are permitted to use their full strength, to grow to their full capacities, can the feminine mystique be shattered and the progressive dehumanization of their children but stopped and most women can no longer use their full strength, grown to their full human capacity as housewives.

it is only when a human being faces squarely the fact that he can forfeit his own life, that he becomes truly aware of himself and begins to take his existence seriously.

it is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question "who am i" except the voice inside herself.

student with professional ambitions plan to marry, but marriage is for them an activity in which they will voluntarily choose to participate rather then something that is necessary for any sense of personal identity. such students have a clear sense of direction, a greater degree of Independence and self-confidence then most. they may be engaged or deeply in love but they do not feel they must sacrifice their own individualities or their careers ambitions if they wish to marry.

sometimes it comes in the shape of a seasons and sometimes inspiration is veiled in another individual. someone who looks deep into your eyes and dares you to dream, to hope, to live.


faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.

memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

all things in life-my work, money, body, relationship are tools for God's kingdom. they are important part of life, but my heart is not tied to them. being content is saying to God, "this is what you have for me, and i will be ok with that because i know you will ultimately use it to teach me and work toward your purpose in the world.

one can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar-helen keller

you were given life, it is your duty to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.

faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. if we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity, it would just be a prudent insurance policy.

90 years...

this weekend i got to celebrate my grandma 90th birthday. it was great that we were able to go because its far for a weekend trip but when i started my new job i informed them i need to go. i am glad that i did. i was the lucky one that got to stay with her in her apartment. which was good but i didn't get much sleep. she starts getting up around 4am to go to the bathroom. i was there to keep an eye on her and let my aunts relax a little. she has fallen twice recently and not doing so good.

her birthday was a day of rejoicing over what a great life she has had. we had old picture from back in the day of everyone. it was funny to see dad has a kid. they even played a song that was popular back in the day and made her dance. she didn't remember the song, plus she wasn't aloud to dance in her day. we took photos of all the kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, and in-laws. what was also surprising is that out of 71 of us there are 60 were there pretty good.

it was really great to spend time with her but it also hard because she kept telling me that after this weekend she would like to go to heaven. because she had nothing else to live for, she has had good long life and is ready to go. plus once i left she would be all alone and she hates being alone. my grandpa passed away about 8 years ago. she has been ready ever since to be with him again. she is almost blind so she can't really do anything because we are worried she might hurt her self. she keeps telling me she no use to anyone any more because no one lets her do anything. one thing she never wanted to happen was to be blind and so it has been really hard on her over the years as her eyes gets worse. its hard because i know she would be happy to just go but i need her to stick around a little bit longer.

i realize that she doesn't like being alone she had 10 kids. so she is use to always having people around. growing up we spend every christmas at her house being feed the whole time and hanging out with family. she is the best cook and is always baking something for groups of people. so when she started going blind it was really hard for her because she couldn't cook anymore. now all she can do is sit around and talk to people which, makes her feel useless.

i think that she is an amazing woman. having raised 10 kids and are all successful people. she is the best cook. a woman of faith that keeps her strong through everything that life brings. has traveled many places that I hope to one day see. her only worries is that her family has salvation so she can see them again one day.